warning. boring rant.

I'm really annoyed. My dear darling husband paid no attention when he booked my flight, and put me on one with 2 stopovers. It's going to take me ELEVEN AND A HALF fucking hours to get to Colorado (from the east coast). It SHOULD take 6-8, depending. To make matters worse, he's pissed at me for being pissed. I'm complaining about my whole monday being wasted, and when I said something to him, he replied in a snippy-ass tone, "Well, next time, do it yourself!" NO SHIT. That's why I'm complaining, dearest!!! Cause you did it, and you fucked it up!

Yeah, I'm a perfectionist... normally he gets mad when I micro-manage, and look over his shoulder when he's doing things, or criticize what he's doing. I let him be, and.............................

Goddamn it. I should have just done it myself... he's so... CLUELESS. He just DOES NOT pay attention to details, and it drives me fucking nuts.

ARRRRGH.

I hate traveling, too. (not the actual visiting other places part... the flights. The going through security. the lugging my shit around and looking for gate 7834 XYZ....) I get all paranoid that I'm going to miss my flights...

Mostly I'm mad cause he's not sorry. Why didn't he just say, "you know, you're right. I'm sorry, I didn't notice that I did that." Instead, he: 1. denied that he picked a flight that took 11.5 hours. kept asking me, "are you sure?" "I wouldn't have done that." 2. when I got home and checked the itinerary, was like, well, you should have done it yourself then.

I need to go do something else. I'm just getting more and more pissed thinking about it.

Yesterday:
B- whole wheat health cereal, soy milk. 200
L-whole wheat toast, 160, 1 wedge lite cheese, 35, tomato 25
D-lite n fit yogurt w/ go lean cereal 120, honey roasted peanuts, 160 for package

many snacks... way too many snacks: 3 fig newtons, 200 cals. ugh. a few bites of spinach and lentil curry, 75 cals. popcorn. 200? cals. apple. pear. peach. 250.

2 am. cheez its. 150?
mental math... 1300 approx.
minus: 500
(exercise: 30 min. on bike, 150 cals. long walk, 200 cals. 1.5 hours of yoga, I have no idea how many calories. we'll say... 150. )

good! I thought it was worse. I should be drinking more water.

Today so far:
B-whole wheat health cereal, soy milk. peach. 250
L-whole wheat toast, wedge lite cheese, whole tomato, 250
S-Banana 110
D- oatmeal, 160, cheez its, 150, squash soup, 100.

Ugh. I can't believe I'm at over 1000 already. Well, I did eat dinner. I just have to not eat much after I get back from the gym. I'm planning on having a big salad, with no fatty ass on it.
I'm gonna go to the gym tonight and try the total body toning class... I don't know how it'll go, but lord knows I need some total body toning. : )
I haven't made plans for dinner yet... we don't have a lot in the way of groceries, and I'm stuck at home waiting for a UPS shipment that I have to sign for, so I can't grocery shop or go for a walk, or anything. Annoying.
I'll have a carb/protein snack before the gym, and then have most of my calories at dinner, which will be late. Hopefully that'll keep me from waking up hungry and binging on crap in the middle of the night, as I am so ridiculously prone to do.

According to fitwatch.com, at my height, weight, and activity level, I need 2100-2300 calories a day to maintain my weight. That seems like SO much. I feel like it's more like 1800/day. I'm gonna go with that. So, I wanna stick to 1200 cals a day to keep a deficit going w/out slowing my metabolism. hope it works.

Last night I dreamed that my hipbones were gorgeous and showing and wonderful. I ate pretty well yesterday, and did a tough 30 min on the bike at the gym (dripping sweat) and 1.5 hours of sorta easy tennis. Not too bad. Then, I woke up at 1 am hungry and ate some fatty cream sauce pasta leftovers. ARGH. It seems like that ALWAYS happens when I have a low calorie day! Anybody else have the same prob? Tips? I even ate a piece of fruit before bed so I wouldn't be hungry at night.... I don't know what to do.

Yesterday:

2 glasses champagne, popcorn, and three fig newtons (200 cals just for the newtons. Why are they so good? F@#k.) plus extra portion of dinner, above and beyond what I meant to eat.

Stuff I was allowed:
Go lean cereal w/ blueberries and soy milk. ~200.
Tomato slices on bread with lite laughing cow cheese wedge. ~300 cal.
two oranges. ~160.
Dinner: bread and tomato salad: ~300 calories.
Minestrone: I hardly touched my portion as I was full from champagne bubbles and bread tom. salad. 100 cal.

Then husband and I went for a nice long walk... it was sprinkling the tiniest bit when we started, and he said, "should we bring coats?" and I didn't feel like turning back half a block, so I was like, nahhhh. Of course, we got to the library, got some cds, and came out and it started to pour... 20 minutes later we got home totally soaked. At least it was hot out. It was pretty funny, actually.

After the walk, I picked at the bread/tomato salad more cause it was still on the table, and so yummy and garlicky. ugh.

THEN we had popcorn. 2-3 hours later while watching tube. Sigh.

Today is a new day. I'm trying to keep it at 1200. I think that's the best level for me to keep my metabolism high and lose weight the fastest. I also have a really hard time eating less than that for more than a few days. I do really well at first, and then I just weaken and give in and totally binge. That's the plan... Lots of exercise, too. Gotta go to work in an hour, I've gotta pack some acceptable eats.

After only one week of increasing ab work, I can see a little bit of a difference. I'll go for a long walk today (in a couple of minutes), then do my ab video again. I kind of ate a lot already. Although it's ok, and I'm not going to let myself get down, because I have not gone over my calorie allowance for the day. Dinner is still to come, though, and I was planning on having blueberry pancakes, which are my absolute favorite food in the world. When I was at my parents' house, we picked about a quart together from the bushes on my yard, and my dad gave me half. We had blueberry pancakes that night, too... mmm, too good. There is nothing better than fresh wild blueberries. The cultivated ones don't even compare in flavor.

I'm going to work more on muscular fitness than losing weight. My wedding is in only five weeks, and I don't really want to get my dress altered if I lose; it'll be expensive, probably won't look quite as good (it's a really detailed bodice, and changing it won't be easy), AND I don't have time to get it altered at the last minute. So my goal is really just to improve the look of my abs. Then, after the wedding, it'll be back to weight loss. I lost some weight, and got more in shape since the winter, so now I'll just maintain. I also want to improve the look of my deltoids. (are those the muscles at the top of your upper arm, like on the outside of the shoulder?)

We're going to a comedy club tonight, so that should be good. I think I'll probably just have one light beer to sip on to keep the calories low. And, only have two pancakes for dinner and a grapefruit. That'll keep me within my goal for the day.... IF I GET OFF MY ASS IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER AND WALK!!! lol.

I'm trying something new. It's crazy, I know, but I'm going to eat 1400-1600 cals a day, and see if I drop some pounds. I'm also going to try to start doing some light weights in addition to the cardio I've been doing (Ultimate and tennis). I'll tell you how it goes... the restricting wasn't working for me... I was always good for a while, but then I would always get hungry and out of control and eat WAYYYY too much. On a plus note, I hung around with my parents yesterday wearing a bikini, and my dad didn't say anything about me being fat, which is unusual and good.

I'm stuck at 153.

I'm also gonna try to weigh myself less, but I'm afraid that if I don't, I'll slip and gain....

I tried on various pairs of skinny jeans at the mall today... depression hits. puff puff puff fluff fluff fluff chub chub chub FAT. arrrrrghghghghghghghghghsadsh jhadfjjeidja;asdrasej;afds

Ugh.

I'm still not under 150, and getting extremely frustrated. I should be able to make it by next Friday, though. My aunt's wedding, in which I'm a bridesmaid, is this weekend, but I already planned ahead and bought a bunch of fruit, rice crisps, and rye crackers to bring with us to the hotel so that I can eat. I'll allow myself to have a couple of drinks per day for the rehearsal and wedding, and to enjoy some of my meal, but I won't eat the whole thing. Nope nope nope. I WILL NOT OVEREAT. I do not have to eat a lot to enjoy the wedding. I do not have to drink a lot to show that I am happy for my aunt. I can make good choices and leave leftovers on my plate EVERY time we go out to eat. I can keep it to a reasonable amount of food every day. I will keep on track this weekend, and when I weigh myself monday, I will be 150.somethin'.

Three days without a scale! eek!!!!!

I've been working out a bunch lately: tennis, swimming, playing ultimate (miles/hours of jogging/running), going for walks. I feel good, and the weight is starting to come of a *little* faster. I ALMOST had a great day yesterday; in the morning, I had a small bowl of cereal w/soy milk, prolly 150 cals. Then for lunch, I had yogurt with fruit and a little cereal sprinkled on top, maybe 250-300 cals. Then I had an iced coffee and split a small ice cream with my mom, indulgence, but ok, it was small anyway, and we shared. 350 cals. Then, before ultimate, since I was really hungry by 6, I had a slice of cheese pizza with 3 napkins worth of oil blotted off. 200 cals according to nutritional info. So far: prolly 900 calories. Then I played ultimate for almost THREE hours, which must have burned at LEAST 5-600 calories... we were working hard, and I was pouring sweat the whole time, it felt great (I also had a good game, made a few good catches, and threw the winning score.) At home, I had two pieces of corn from a farm stand, and a tiny bit of rice and tofu. Then a 60 calorie fudge pop. I don't know how many calories, but not many for dinner, and when I got home from Ultimate, I was so low blood sugar I felt nauseous and my hands were shaking. Still a deficit for the day, I mean, I could practically FEEL my metabolism, it was burning so hot. it was cool.


And then it all went to shit.

My fiance couldn't sleep, so I got up too, since him getting up woke me up, and I was hungry, so I ate a ton of raisins, then more rice and tofu, then some peanut butter. I ate the peanut butter cause I thought my body wanted fat/protein, which I hadn't given it much of. Eating the peanut butter turned off the eating monster in me, but I still ruined my awesome day. ARRRRGH.

I need to never have raisins around... I know it's such a weird food to binge on, but I can't stop eating them. I freakin' love them. I should probably take an iron supplement, it might be my body craving iron.

I seem to have leveled out on the weight loss. I'm still about 153... I don't have the inspiration I need to move forward, either. I'm frustrated, and disappointed in myself. I dunno... I just feel tired right now.

I just got home from work, where I ate more than I intended to. At home this morning/afternoon, I ate a bunch of ice cream, too. Ate twice as much at dinner as I meant to, and while I was eating my second portion, I was like, I'm not hungry, I'm NOT hungry (I really wasn't) I'm just eating this because it tastes good, stop... and before I knew it, I had eaten the whole thing. arrrgh. Then, when I got home (after eating PLENTY at work...) I had two slices of cheese and half an apple. WTF???? I've been quite good lately, and now I feel all bloated and disgusting and out of control. At first, yesterday, it was my idea (not the fiance's) to buy ice cream. Mostly because I could tell that my clothes were fitting me more loosely, and I had been quite good. So, I figured, I can have a little ice cream, I'll still lose weight... unfortunately, I am apparently unable to indulge just a little, and having ice cream today basically turned into an all day suck fest of eating my face off. ....lol.... eating my face off? that doesn't make sense. ANyway, you know what I mean.

Anybody got any hints for how to stop a downward spiral?? I need to get back on track fast. And also, how about when you start to go out of control? Any hints for just having a few bites of something? It seems like I'm good at dieting/restricting for long periods, but then if I allow myself a little wiggle room, I go way nuts. The proverbial give an inch, take a mile.

Help please.... I think from the cheese, (ew lactose) my stomach is already distended disgustingly.